Depression
by Fairylust
Summary: Some years after the Kira Case. Near is depressed and wants to die. Yes, he's hit rock bottom. Mello has come back after three years of playing dead & Rodger/Watari has a fiendish plan. Warning: Rape, abuse, cursing, etc. R&R. TWO-SHOT
1. Chapter 1

**Near's POV**

"What do you think you're doing Near?" he cried out in surprise.

I watched as his eyes became wide in surprise and horror, his hand shook, but he let me hold his hand anyway, in place, between my dark charcoal eyes. Two empty, emotionless pits of absolute nothingness stared at the blonde. If he wanted to shoot me dead, then I'd let him. At least I'd be letting Mello have the pleasure and satisfaction knowing that his shot would not miss.

"Kill me," I said softly. "To have Mello kill me…I think that it's been my secret desire, my own personal choice of death, since I first met you at Wammy's House, since you first hurt me, since you last saw me. It is an emotional and impulsive action, it'll allow me to become as close as I will ever get to being anything, at all, like Mello."

Mello gave me a look of utter disbelief. He shook his head scowling at me. He studied my soulless eyes for what felt like an eternity before he decided to speak to me, but his voice was filled by doubt and I knew that he was questioning my words. My choice.

It was insulting.

"No…why…why would you want to die, Near?" he demanded angrily. "Is this a trick?"

"I don't have much, if anything to live for." I told him sadly. "Please, end my misery. Do this for me, please, do this one, little thing for me, Mello."

"This isn't one little thing!" the blonde protested his blue eyes widened.

"What about L? You've got his title and his legacy! What about Watari and the remaining SPK members? You've got them and you've got all those toys of yours." He paused. "You're one of the most intelligent people in the world! How is all that nothing?" He demanded.

"None of it means anything to me." I replied, my voice void of any emotion.

"Why me?" he demanded. "Why must you put _your_ life in _my_ hands?"

"Placing my life in your hands, Mello, is the only way I'm willing to die. Suicide is for the weak and this way I'll die quickly. I know you despise my existence. You've always hated me. So it should be a joyous thing for you to take my life. I've already calculated that my death rate chance of doing this is extremely high. So, please, Mello, kill me."

Mello stood silent for a moment. "You really want to die Near?"

I nod to him solemnly.

"Fine, then I'll be happy to oblige." He said through clenched teeth.

_Click_.

He released the safety on his gun, pressing it down on my forehead his hand still shook. He clenched his free fist as he prepared to pull the trigger. I could see tears building up in his beautiful, azure eyes. That struck me as…interesting. I couldn't help, but wonder what the blonde was thinking. Why wasn't he pulling the trigger? What made him hesitate? I felt baffled and was amazed when Mello's whole body started to shake. His tears were threatening to spill over, he wiped at his eyes pressing the gun into my forehead, determined not to let the weapon fall even the tiniest bit off target.

"Finish me." I whisper.

Instead of pulling the trigger, Mello clicks the safety back on and lets the gun fall to the ground at his feet. I was truly puzzled. Mello should've killed me, but he didn't. That made me ask myself if I'd miscalculated, but I knew I didn't…I didn't miscalculate anything.

Mello simply acted out of character.

My dead, dark eyes stared at Mello's lively, blue orbs and I felt that dead feeling that was accompanied by a bitter hollowness inside of me, once more. It'd been gnawing me inside out, for several months, now. I wanted to end the dead feeling, end the misery I felt knowing I was nothing more than a demon in human skin, an awkward, abomination that nobody would ever love or care about, but Mello, _my_ Mello, the only chance at achieving that goal couldn't or he _wouldn't_ pull the trigger to put it more bluntly.

"Isn't Mello going to kill me?" I ask looking at the gun longingly.

"Near…I…I don't think I _can_." he sputtered weakly.

"Mello…please, kill me." I whispered.

**Mello's POV**

Flashback

"_Mello…I love you." The small albino said shyly._

_A few orphans started to giggle and whisper as Near waited for my response. I begun to tense up and looked at him awkwardly. It was like I didn't know how to respond. That was a first for Near. Considering that I always had something to say to him whether he replied back or not. I felt anger rise up in me as I studied the albino. I studied him and his damaged body. That beautiful, little eight year old body that I broke beating on him. _

_He had matching bruised cheeks and blood ran down over his eye from his right temple, which he held and he had two bleeding bite marks on his left hand and blood was starting to dry from below and around his nose, which had only moments before been spurting out fresh blood. The albino's entire body shook, but his words were calm and honest. How could Near say that to me after I just beat him up?_

_Kids started to make kissing noises and a few left seeing my face turn beet red. I wanted to punch the little albino's teeth out, but I restrained myself from doing so and instead punched Near in his gut. He stood his ground firmly grimacing awaiting my answer._

_Suddenly, it was all too much…and I snapped._

"_I hate you Near!" I shouted in his face. _

"_I hate you! I hate you! I hate you, Near!" _

_He didn't appear phased, but from the way he started to whimper I knew I'd hurt him more with my words than I ever could with my fists. The orphans around us grew silent for a few seconds, and then burst out into fits of laughter as Near fell to the floor weeping. He sounded so broken and hurt, but I didn't care, I didn't care at all._

_Some of the boys insulted him, others jeered, few appeared sympathetic and kept their mouths shut, a couple whispered to each other, very, very few of them left before things could get any uglier, but most of them were laughing. _

_Laughing at Near's pain. _

_The pain I caused him. The boys who were enjoying watching him suffer, didn't take long to ask if they could hurt the albino some. I simply shrugged and looked to Near who'd curled up into a ball, no doubt trying in a vain attempt to escape from the real world. The boys were quick to pull him to his feet and start hitting on him. I began to walk away and didn't care whether Near came out alive or dead. He was worthless._

"_Mello!" he cried out as he was beaten. _

_As I stepped into the hall I froze upon hearing my name. How could he be calling me for assistance? I was the one who left him to be beaten after beating him up myself! _

_I stumbled some as Near ran past me wailing loudly and bleeding freely. Before I knew it I was chasing after the albino. Turning around a corner I saw Rodger holding him and asking him some questions appearing rather uncomfortable even though Near was the one in horrible pain. Rodger saw me before I could duck back behind the corner and scolded me. He blamed me for Near's condition and told me to meet him in his office in the next hour to receive a punishment or two…or three…more than likely four or more. _

Present

Near held the gun in his hands offering it to me. I gulped as I took it, I stared at it blankly. What was I going to do? I couldn't very well kill him, I lost my nerve, the hatred that had burned in me for so long had died out and I felt…I felt…what was this feeling? I felt strange, I felt sort of nervous and a little light headed. Those feelings quickly died away, though. I gripped the gun in my hand tightly, looking into Near's eyes.

Those dark, glossy, empty pools of hollow nothingness, no emotion, no feeling, all in the depths of those pools were numbed, cold and unfeeling.

"Finish me," he repeated. "Finish me, now, please, finish me now."

"I can't." I choked out. "I can't do that Near."

He tilted his head to one side staring at me sadly, curiously. "Why?"

He spoke so sadly, his words sounding broken and dismayed. His eyes flickered with a curious light that I used to see back at the orphanage when we were kids. I couldn't believe that _Near_ the _sensible one_, wanted to die, and at my hands. The one who'd never been wrong, the one who'd always been ahead of me, the one who was always in control was asking _me_, of all people to end his life. I couldn't do that, though.

Near was asking for a permanent fix to whatever temporary situation he was in and I couldn't kill him when he may snap out of whatever delusion he was in. How could I kill him knowing _that_?

_He is so beautiful._ I thought studying him.

He'd changed a lot in the past three and a half years. He was, now, my height shorter by maybe two and a half, or so inches. His white hair had become longer and messier than what I remembered it to be. His white curls seemed to have sharpened themselves and his eyes were beginning to get bags, though they were hardly noticeable from a long distance.

The changes his body underwent were subtle, yet once noticed up close they made him appear…menacing, almost dangerous. I could sense something malicious and evil residing within him.

Was _this_ really Near?

Yes, I knew, that the young man in front of me, the twenty-year-old man in front of me was, in fact, Near. He was, still, so youthful, appearing more like a sixteen year old rather than an adult. Perhaps, it was to disguise his true nature, whatever that was. I never got to truly, know Near personally, so I never got to know what his true persona was, though I had a feeling it was something evil.

"I don't have any reason to want to kill you." I replied curtly.

"I stole L's title from you. I'm emotionless, cold, unfeeling, evil, and cruel and you're not. I caused you to grow an inferiority complex. I nearly got you killed three and a half years ago when Matt and you went after Takada. Need I continue?"

I shook my head. "I mean at this moment."

"I cannot comprehend nor can I explain your unending desire to provoke me, I honestly like you, Mello." He paused as if thinking of what else to say. "If you need a reason, Mello, then I'll give you a reason to hate me, to want me dead."

I wanted to protest and tell him that he meant something to me. I wanted to confess my newfound feelings and ask that he not try to anger me, but I quickly found that my lips were locked with his, muffling any words I tried to get out of my mouth. Near was stronger than I remembered him to be all those years ago.

He shoved me to the floor and we lay lip locked for several long minutes, neither of us wanted to break apart. We parted lips and he looked down at me with those vacant, dark orbs. His skin, eyes and hair seemed to glow beautifully in the dim light as he tried to catch his breath.

"Was that enough to anger Mello?" he asked twirling a lock of that snowy white hair.

I responded by shoving him off me and tossing the gun across the room. I grabbed him by his shoulders and pulled him close to me and returned his kiss. Within mere seconds _I_ was lying on top of _him_ ravaging his lips with my own, enjoying every second it lasted.

**Near's POV**

How could Mello do it to me? How could he shove me aside, toss away the gun like it was insignificant, like it was not capable of doing anything important and finally kiss me?

It wasn't like Mello at all. I was almost positive he'd have been angered and would've killed me if I kissed him. I stared at him panting once he removed his lips from mine to look me in the face. He appeared a bit confused, yet at the same time, pleased by my shocked expression.

He nibbled on my earlobe, which made my body tense up. To be frank I did not enjoy the feeling of Mello gnawing at my flesh as if it were his precious chocolate. I did not enjoy the feeling of Mello sucking at the skin on my throat. I honestly disliked it when he moaned my name and I moaned his. And I despised the sensation that shot through me when Mello trailed kisses down the sides of my face. I hated these feelings he made me feel…they were pleasant, yet at the same time unwanted.

I squirmed a bit under him, as we became lip locked again.

**Mello's POV**

What was Near's problem? He didn't seem to enjoy anything I done to him. He didn't seem to flinch or breath faster or slower. It was as if what I done to him had no affect whatsoever. He was totally emotionless! Or at least that was what I thought.

As I licked his lower lip his mouth opened wide allowing me entrance.

I smirked as Near moaned loudly while my tongue licked around the inside of his mouth tasting mint, a weird metallic taste and something close to bubblegum. Man, he tasted pretty good!

Not as good as chocolate, of course, but it was close enough.

**Near's POV**

I felt something warm and slick run itself along my lower lip, knowing Mello wanted entrance to the inside of my mouth I obediently opened, nice and wide. Mello inserted his tongue and tasted around the inside of my mouth making me moan against my will. I could feel him smirking. He moaned shortly afterwards as my tongue touched his. Soon _I_ was inside of _his_ mouth tasting chocolate.

No big surprise there.

I moved my hand to the back of his neck, and pulled him closer to deepen our kiss. I watched with half lidded eyes as a light pink color dusted Mello's cheeks. I grinned for a full second, before allowing the grin to vanish entirely.

Mello ran his hand gingerly, along my jaw line. He made me feel like he actually loved me. He made me feel like I was worth something, if anything, but I knew that neither of those things were true, I knew that he'd never love a disgusting thing like me. Mello was too perfect. He could never love somebody like me that was why he tormented me before wasn't it? I could only hope, that Mello would remain as beautiful as he'd always has/had been in my eyes once he finally decided to kill me.

He, quickly, unzipped his leather vest then he unbuttoned my pajama shirt without any struggling from me. I simply watched as he warily undid the buttons. He appeared afraid that I was going to hit him, or yell at him…or do something to make him stop, but I done nothing except watch his every moment curiously.

"What are you doing?" I asked as one of his hands moved along my exposed chest.

"I…I don't know." He muttered bringing our lips together, again. "I just want to make you feel good, Near. You deserve to feel good." He said softly after breaking the kiss.

Why did Mello say such foolish things?

I didn't deserve to feel good.

I didn't deserve to feel anything. I especially didn't deserve to _receive _anything such as 'feeling good' from Mello. He was so perfect…and I was not. If he had sex with me, then I'd be ruining his life. It was wrong of me to want him to do as he was. I decided that this was wrong…wrong and unpleasant for us both.

Whatever Mello done for me was _too good_ for me. I didn't deserve Mello's touch or his loving movements. I didn't even deserve his kisses. I didn't deserve _anything_ from him, except death that was the only thing Mello could offer me that I would accept.

"Please, stop." I whispered.

"Why, Near? Aren't you enjoying this?"

"No. No, I am not. Mello may continue if he wishes, but he'll be raping me and he won't receive any affection from me." I said showing no emotion to the blonde. He shrugged his shoulders and removed my pajama shirt, then his vest.

**Mello's POV**

This is totally wrong isn't it? Duh, yes! I already know it is, but I am confused as to what I really want to do. What are my true intentions, here? To rape Near? Do I want to make him cry out in pain as I thrust into him or make him scream my name in ecstasy? I feel so confused and wondered how Near managed to puzzle me again, without even doing, or saying hardly anything at all. I looked at his milky white chest admiringly.

"Near, I won't beat you anymore, for no reason." I whispered in his ear.

Near didn't respond.

"You'll like this, Near, I'm really good, I promise." I whispered again.

He still didn't react, it frustrated me and I'm certain he saw it, too, but that time I didn't care if he responded or not, I smirked, sliding off Near's pants and undoing the laces on mine. After a hesitant minute I tugged my tight leather pants off with little ease. Afterwards I took off my boxers and surprisingly noticed that Near didn't wear any undergarment. Now the two of us were exposed to each other. I stared down at the albino who didn't seem to be phased by any of my actions.

I licked the edge of his milky lips, in return he shuddered for me, and although I was certain that it was involuntary, I didn't care in the slightest.

I could see the excitement in his eyes; I could feel his heartbeat as it sped up. It was easy enough to see that Near was serious about what he'd said, but what did I care? He'd change his mind…he couldn't wear that emotionless mask through this entire thing, or could he? I shook away that thought as he tried pushing me off. I pinned his wrists above his head and he didn't fight me any further than that.

"Ready?" I asked.

He shook his head slowly.

With a sigh I glared down at him. I looked away for a brief second to wonder about his behavior. Why did he have to make this so difficult for us both? Was he trying to get on my nerves? What was making him act like this? I turned my attention back to him after what felt like an hour or so in my mind, but was really a few or so seconds.

I was very surprised that I could see tears brimming his eyes. I never knew he was still capable of crying. It'd been years since I'd last seen Near cry. Than again, Near was only human…or at least as human as _he_ could get. I released his wrists, but he made no attempt to move or fight back. He didn't beg me to continue my actions or ask me to stop them for several heart shattering moments. I looked down at him with excitement. He simply looked back at me with those dark, teary eyes.

**Near's POV**

"Mello, please don't…" I begged.

He ignored me.

I felt my legs being pressed apart and something pushed inside of me.

"AHHH!" I shrieked as loud as I could. I felt like my insides were on fire and I felt warmth as blood oozed out of me. Needless to say, it hurt like hell. I squirmed underneath him for a few minutes, but made no other attempt to escape from him.

"Aahhh! Mello! Stop! Mello! Aahhh! Please stop! It hurts! It hurts! Mello, please stop! Aahhh!"

I shook violently as more blood oozed out between my thighs.

I silently begged my body to release, then Mello would stop, maybe he'd be merciful and kill me after he was finished. Not a very dignified way to die, but I'd die, at least. I screamed at the top of my lungs until Mello finally stopped his thrusts. Panting, breathing deeply I looked up at Mello hoping that I'd see the same blonde who used to beat me up at Wammy's House, the same blonde who always said he hated me. I wanted to see _that_ Mello, _that_ chocoholic, but I didn't. I saw the current, scarred Mello, who had been thrusting into me mercilessly, until I bled and whimpered in agony.

"Kill me!" I screeched. "Kill me _NOW_!" He ignored my cries, cupping my cheek in his hand, speaking ever so lovingly.

"I love you Near."

"I…I…" I struggled to find the words in between my pants. "I…I…I…" The words never came to me, so fresh tears fell.

Mello smirked and started his thrusts again. After a while he released inside of me and I released a little after him. Panting in pain I let my body go limp. He pulled himself out of me I let out a choked gasp as he did so. Mello was quick to get dressed. He dressed me too, I made no attempts to stop him. The blond grinned at me appearing more or less smug. Running a hand through my hair he kissed me tenderly.

I felt so helpless, and so vile, ashamed, angry, violated and (worst of all) humiliated.

"I love you." He cooed.

"I _hate _you." I said through clenched teeth.

My words seeped with hate making Mello cringe away from me. He looked hurt, but I did not care in the least. I knew that _he_ didn't expect _me_, of all people to tell him that. He shouldn't have expected anything more or less from me…he'd just finished raping me…denying me death, I'd lost to him, at long last, and he took joy in that fact. In the fact he wounded me worse than he ever did in the past, that he at last took whatever shred of reason I had to keep living and murdered it.

He won.

I lost.

That's the end of the story, no need to make it a huge deal.

**Mello's POV**

What was Near's problem?

I was just trying to show him I cared, that I loved him as much as he had loved me. Did he truly not care about me, anymore? Was he just toying with my emotions for fun? Was that how he got his sick kicks? Has he always done that?

Toying with my feelings…disgusting…

Sadly, I knew the answer was no. He was seriously depressed. Normally, if I was in a hating mood I'd ignore it, but I was concerned…concerned because L (our mentor, no duh!) died a while after falling into a depression…L never planned it out while depressed, no, he was murdered.

Near's intent, however, was suicide.

He didn't want to live and had probably been trying to decide how to finish himself off for the past few days…or maybe the past few weeks. For all I knew, it could have been months ago that he contemplated that he needed to die.

I looked the albino over and wished that he were still a squirt that I could easily push around, without him telling anyone, but surly he'd ask someone for assistance if I laid another hand on him...around his hips…or his thighs...or his crotch

"Near…" I started, but stopped as he raised a hand to twirl some of that snowy white hair, I was silenced by the action, he took this as an opportunity to speak, not caring of what I had intended to say to him in the first place.

"Mello, you have exactly ten seconds to leave before Rester and Gevanni come to investigate the screams." He said, voice monotone. "You'd better start running." He added as footsteps were barely heard beyond the steel door.

"I'm not running, Near, I've always ran and I'm sick of it. I'm gonna face whatever will happen head on. I don't care what damage your goons will do to my face, because you know I can do worse to them. Right Near?"

He didn't respond.

"Right?" I demanded impatiently.

**Near's POV**

I gave him a faint nod.

"Mello is being very foolish." I said forcing myself to stand.

"Why?" He demanded angrily. "Because I care?"

I shook my head sadly. He seemed puzzled by this action. I couldn't believe I was puzzling him so much. It was odd. I didn't intend to confuse him, but it seemed that I did so, anyway. Mello watched my movements and concentrated on everything that I done. Suddenly, I felt so light headed, like I was going to faint, but I forced myself to ignore it.

**Mello's POV**

"Mello…you do not care…you feel no love towards me…it's all…pretend." He said with a faraway look in his eyes and his voice soft, yet low, it too, sounded like it was faraway. "Yes…Mello I've just figured this all out." He said starting to sway his body side to side as if he were dancing to the beat of a nursery rhyme.

"Figured what out Near?" I questioned curiously.

"This is all…a dream." He said with a sad smile.

"A dream?" I questioned with a crooked smirk.

"Yes…we're not really adults…we're just dreaming we are…" he replied.

"Oh? Then how old are we?"

"I'm probably ten…that'd make you twelve."

"Near…are you certain about that…?"

"No, I'm not certain about…anything." He said sounding less and less like the Near that I had always known. "But…I had a steamy sex dream when I was ten...it happened after I read up on reproduction…in the library…after you beat me up…remember?"

"You did?" I asked surprised that Near would admit something personal like that to me. "What was it about?" I asked curiously.

"I was kissing you and you were kissing me…I wanted that dream to be real…although I knew it wasn't…one thing went to another in my dream…and…we…made love…" he let his voice trail off.

Giving a happy sounding sigh he turned, looking me in the eye I scowled at him whilst he frowned at me. He stopped his swaying. Looking me in my cold, icy eyes he seemed to be very, very sad, but I saw that his lonely, dark orbs held no emotion within them at all. It was such a depressing sight. Someone so beautiful, looking so miserable, it was upsetting to me to say the least.

"I want to die, Mello." He said not long after he stopped swaying his body. "I simply want to deny all of this pain, that I'm feeling, but I can't. I can't deny all of this pain, please, Mello, please, end this horrible pain. I can't take the feeling of it gnawing on my insides any longer. I can't take it, Mello, not anymore. Please, Mello, please finish me."

"Near, I cannot, nor _will not_ even contemplate killing you, not right now." I shook my head defiantly, with my arms crossed in front of my chest.

**Near's POV**

I raised my hand to twirl a lock of my snowy hair when Mello grabbed my wrist; my heart skipped a beat as he looked into my eyes for what had to be the thousandth time. I opened my mouth to speak; Mello took this as a chance to steal a kiss. When he broke away, we were both panting and both Rester and Gevanni stood behind him guns raised ready to shoot. I made no move to stop them if they decided to shoot.

Mello appeared angry and… a bit sad. "Tell them to lower their weapons, Near." He ordered me through clenched teeth. "Near you know the reason that I'm here." He said loud enough for my underlings to hear.

"I'm sorry Mello, but I haven't the slightest idea as what you are referring to...I have absolutely no idea as to why you have entered my head quarters other than to verbally insult me, whilst physically abusing me."

Mello looked at me in stunned silence, I looked back to him, my expression hollow.

**Mello's POV**

Flashback

"Leave me alone!" I snapped as the annoying albino looked up at me. "I hate you! I despise you, Near! How many beatings do you need to get that through your thick skull?"

"_I-I…l-love you…Mel-Mello."_

_I punched him in his jaw. _

_He spit out a tooth, which wasn't surprising since eight-year-old kids' lose their teeth easily. It hurt him, however, blood dribbled down his bottom lip and he spat it out as he coughed, choking on his own bloody saliva. I wasn't satisfied though. _

_Being the bully I was I kicked him in his ribcage, accidentally breaking a rib, but I didn't care, I heard Rodger coming to see what tattletale Linda was whining about. Running off I heard Near breathing irregularly in loud gasps. I didn't feel bad, though, I felt happy, happy that Near was the one in pain and not me, I was ahead of him for once, for once I was his superior, but that taste of superiority didn't last long._

_A couple of days passed and Near seemed to have completely disappeared from the face of the planet. I couldn't find him anywhere in the orphanage or outside in or around the woods. I wasn't too worried about him, though. He was just a worthless whelp. Wasn't he? Yeah, that's what I convinced myself, but I know it was only to drive away the guilt._

_After about a month, on Near's birthday, he appeared as if by magic. I found him playing in his room with a few of his toys. He was wrapped in bandages and had a cast on his right arm and a splint on his left ankle. He appeared nervous by my sudden appearance and twirled a lock of his hair with his left hand. He let out a shaky sigh as I closed his door behind me and stood over him with a look of disapproval._

"_Why are you wearing that?" I asked eyeing his bandages, cast and splint._

"_Mello broke me worse than he intended to." Near replied in that emotionless tone he always takes. "It would seem that I had serious fractures and bruises within me that were not seen without an X-ray. I am sorry, Mello."_

"_What are you sorry for you idiotic twit?" I snapped. "I'm the one who beat the snot out of you. Now tell me what those quacks said was broke…or whatever."_

"_They said that I had a cracked wrist bone and that the tendons in my ankle had ripped themselves from a strain…" He hesitated. "I was also informed of my broken rib and bruised appendix, which the doctors were able to remove without any trouble, and I was also informed of…my blood pressure…"_

"_What about your blood pressure?" I demanded as he looked away from me and to his toys, his little, wind-up toy robots and dinosaurs. _

"_They said it was too high…they said that it needed to be lowered…or I'd be at risk of having…a heart attack, Mello."_

"_That all?" I snorted uncaringly. "You've been missing classes and in a hospital for that? It sounds unfair, Near." I sneered. "I've been stuck here, bored to death and you've been off, doing whatever…you know, it's as bad as homicide in my book!"_

_He nodded. "Would allowing Mello to break my body even more atone for such a sin?" he asked looking away from me. _

"_Look at me!" I snapped. _

_He winced as he turned to look up at me. _

"_Yes?" he asked with a timid voice. _

"_You tell on me?" _

"_No, Mello, I told Rodger nothing. He insists I tell him, but I refuse each time."_

"_Good!" I said feeling slightly satisfied. "Now, you should hurry up and get better soon. Things aren't fun for me without you to hit on, got that you albino faggot?"_

_Near nodded, sadly. "Will Mello please apologize for hurting me?" he asked as I turned to leave. He looked at me sternly and truly expected me to apologize. I snickered at that. I grinned before leaving. _

"_I'm sorry, Near, but I haven't the slightest idea as what you are referring to…I never harmed you." I lied casually. _

_Leaving the room I stalked down the halls smiling._

Present

Now, here stood Near, playing the same card with me, but I knew that I deserved it. Both of his underlings were ready to shoot me dead. I was, needless to say, nervous. Why…oh, why did Matt have to be right?

Another Flashback

"_Mels, you should be nicer to Near." Matt said as we studied together in the library. "He really likes you, ya know." _

"_Why?" I snorted looking up from my book. "I don't like him! He's a worthless, little scum fag! Things would be easier for me if he disappeared…permanently." _

_Matt chuckled, but shook his head firmly in disagreement. _

"_One day all this bad stuff your doing to him will come back to haunt you with a soul sucking vengeance, man, that'll leave you either really, really, really angry or…dead." _

"_Ha! Don't be overly dramatic!" I laughed._

"_I'm not. Take it from a drug addict's kid, you don't wanna get your body polluted with something that's addictive, enjoyable and hurts other people when you inhale or exhale. In your case, though, Mello, I'd say you should ease up on Near, a tiny bit."_

"_Nah, the baby should know how to take a hit like a big boy." I joked._

"_For cripes sakes Mello he's only nine!" Matt yelled jumping to his feet. "You should set an example for him or something! What you do to him affects how he'll treat you in the future…and from what I can tell…the kid's gonna leave you to die someday."_

_Matt was always a nice guy…always nice to those younger than him, but he usually forgot about being nice when it was time to prank Near or Linda or one of the stupid teenagers. We usually had fun, but when we had fights both of us were totally serious._

"_Whatever!" I snarled slamming my book close, then stomping off._

Present (Again)

Near was leaving me high and dry…just like my late best friend had said he would. _Kudos to you Matty. _I thought to myself. He was right and I was wrong…not too surprising, but he was still considered my inferior being number three. Oh, what am I talking about I was number two! That left Near…number one. How I had hated him for being ahead of me…smarter than me…I hated it!

Looking at the albino sympathetically I grimaced in pain as something sharp buried itself in my shoulder. Near appeared fairly calm…no, big surprise. I turned to see that one of them had fired and nicked my shoulder in the process.

"Relax!" I snarled. "I'm not gonna hurt him, I just wanna talk."

Rester looked to the albino for instruction. "Near?"

I held my breath waiting for him to speak and his words shocked me. "I am not interested in speaking to Mello." He said glaring at me coldly. "You may shoot." He added after a short silence. Both Rester and Gevanni nodded, but didn't fire.

**Near's POV**

Mello seemed to be shocked by my words.

Well, what did he expect me to say?

My feelings were only natural…he did after all rape me when I requested that he not continue with his actions. I felt Mello's grip tighten on my wrist. He was defiantly nervous. I don't know why this upset me, but it made me want to cry, I wasn't used to Mello being the one on edge, than again I was not used to being on edge either. Mello seemed to notice my discomfort and he released me. I sighed relieved that he released that bone-crushing grip on my wrist.

"Mello may leave now." I said coldly. "If Mello won't kill me, than do not bother coming back, do not bother even thinking of me." I whispered so that only Mello could hear. He gave me the nastiest glare that I'd ever seen (not counting one of Kira's glares) in my life. He released me. Stomping past Rester and Gevanni he turned back to me for a brief moment, just glaring.

"Don't think it's over Near, it's just got started." He growled.

I felt angered by that statement. Before I knew what I was doing I ran and pounced on him. We fell to the floor in a heap. I pulled at his blonde hair while he tried to pull away from me. He made a mistake around that part, as he tossed me off his body I tugged out some of his hair from the roots.

He let out a howl of pain followed by a couple of swear words. He lunged at me and we rolled on the floor swearing, threatening each other and beating on each other with whatever strength we had left.

Rester and Gevanni stood staring at us in shock.

Finally, Rodger entered the room and after recovering from his shock, ordered the two to take action Rester pulled me off of Mello and Gevanni restrained Mello who attempted to attack me again. Rodger who was now known to me as Watari glared from Mello to me and back to Mello. He tsked us both and then chuckled before turning serious again.

"Neither of you have changed." He said. "You should both act your own ages. Near act like you're twenty and Mello act like your twenty-two, I swear you both are like explosive chemicals when you are put together. Even after all that's happened."

Mello stuck his tongue out at me and I (childishly) done the same.

"Stop it!" Rodger snapped slapping us both. "Will you two behave yourselves?" he demanded as we both lowered our eyes to the ground. "Well?" he demanded as we both thought of what to say.

"Whatever." Mello eventually mumbled.

"Yes." I agreed reluctantly.

"Very well, then, Rester, Gevanni you should be able to release them now." Rodger said with a thin-lipped smile.

The two men let go of us at the same time. And without another word said I stomped from the room heading for my bedroom. Mello deserved to suffer. I hoped Mello got into a ton of trouble for all of his sins against me, which would take a lot of punishment.

More punishment than death could offer.

More than what hell could offer.


	2. Chapter 2

Mello's POV

Two weeks following the…incident as Near or Rodger or…_anyone_ _there_ might have called it, I found myself running through the halls of Near's head quarters. Panic tightened my chest and I found myself beginning to pant. Where was I heading?

_Am I even on the right hall?_ I questioned myself. Looking around I decided that I was.

_This can't be happening! _I thought in dread. _Near can't be dying!_

I burst through a door and sure enough I found myself in Near's room. Toys were strewn across the floor, books were placed neatly on a shelf and all was pure white, yet the room seemed so dark, just like the blood that dribbled down Near's chin.

Dark…red…blood…

It was dark.

Dark…that was how Near's eyes looked they were so dark, glossy and tear filled.

A small, hopeful smile spread across the albino's face. He looked at me as if I were the most perfect person in the world, like I was the one who could end all of his pain and suffering when I already said that I could not.

"Near…" I called him…my voice sounded so broken, so hopeless.

"Will Mello kill me?" he asked weakly.

"No…Near…I done said that I couldn't…" I sobbed shaking my head.

He coughed up some clotted blood and shivered. "That's so sad…I-I just don't want to…" he paused. "Mello…please don't leave me."

I walked slowly to his bedside. Gripping his hand in my own I gave him my most sincere look. He looked like he was gonna burst into tears. I knew what had to be wrong. I just knew that it had to be something really, really terrible. I remembered the first time this happened. We were still kids when it happened.

Flashback

"_What's wrong with Near?" I asked Matt who had just finished speaking with Rodger. "Why is he so sick Matty?"_

_The albino had been terribly ill for the past two months and nobody knew why. Recently, a couple of doctors had come to look at the small albino who had begun to cough up blood and bleed from his nose. Matt's eyes were wet, teary. He seemed really upset. _

"_They th-think he has brain cancer." His voice was barely above a whisper. "They s-say that they th-think he may-maybe has only two weeks left."_

_My eyes widened and I went pale._

"_N-no! Near can't be dying! He can't!" _

"_Mels, calm down."_

"_No! I won't calm down! He's just a kid and they're telling him his life is almost over!"_

"_Mels, they can't lie to him." _

"_But they can't just tell him that he'll be dead in the next two weeks! They can't just say that they're sorry and leave him like he doesn't matter! They just can't!"_

"_They're saying that it's a maybe, Mello. They say that it could vanish and reappear or just disappear completely and never come back. They don't know what'll happen."_

"_H-how is Near taking the news? About his brain cancer…"_

"_Crying. He was crying, Mels…the little guy was really sad and in a lot of pain."_

_I burst into tears along with Matt as we headed down the hall for our rooms._

Present

"It's come back hasn't it?" I asked gripping Near's hand tighter. "That brain cancer is back… you're dying of it aren't you?"

"No…Mello, it isn't the cancer."

"What?"

"I'll be having surgery done tomorrow, and after it is completed I won't be able to be L anymore. The surgery will take away at least thirty percent my deductive skills. If it doesn't take that much than my intelligence will be ranked in the little above average category. I won't be as smart as you and I won't be worth anything...to anyone."

"Near what are you saying? That's not true!" I exclaimed letting his hand go and backing towards his door. "You won't be hurt like that Near! No, you're more than just Near… you aren't just Near, anymore. You're L!"

"No. I won't be able to be L anymore, Mello." He sobbed. "You be L. You deserve it more than I ever did."

"Stop talking like that!" I snapped. "You're super smart and really, really, really calm in situations that I never could be calm in and you aren't as impulsive as I am… you may lack the ambition and motivation, but you make up for it. You deserve this title, not me."

"No." he whimpered. "No. Mello. Please, don't lie to me. Your lies hurt me."

He then burst into a fresh round of tears.

"Please, Mello, stop hurting me." he begged sounding more broken than ever before. "Stop hurting me, Mello, please, just stop hurting me."

I started to leave, but stopped as he begun to calm down a little bit.

"Please, Mello don't leave me, I'm scared." He whispered in a quivering voice.

I stopped where I stood. Turning back to him I smiled weakly. I wished I could take away all of his pain and all of his fear, but I knew that I couldn't. It was a task that was impossible for me to attempt. And knowing that I felt sickened to my stomach.

Near's POV

Mello knelt by me and held my hand making a bunch of ridiculous promises and telling me tons of lies hoping to soothe me. Mello understood, enough. He didn't need a full explanation to my situation. He knew what was going to happen and he knew I was gonna lose my current intelligence level and was certain of the emotional pain I felt about that, because he'd be in the same agony.

To us L successors losing our intelligence level is worse than death.

What more of an explanation was needed?

None.

Mello's POV

He was so sad and so…innocent at the same time. I truly felt bad. He was in a ton of pain that I hadn't caused, but yet I felt guilty. I had hurt him and he was already in enough pain. I shouldn't have done that no matter…how pleasurable…it felt. I knew it was wrong to do that the albino and I also knew that I had to help him.

"Near get up." I ordered.

"Why?" he asked.

"Shut up and stand!" I snapped.

He obediently stood. Apparently he didn't want any trouble or he just wanted to please me so I'd leave him be until the inevitable happened. I grasped his wrist tightly and pulled him close to me. He whimpered some at first, but fell as silent as the night once begun to use my free hand to stroke his hair. He looked up at me with a questioning gaze.

"Mello what do you want from me?"

"To save you. I _can't_ let anyone hurt you. Not _now_ or _ever_."

"I thought Mello believed that the weak should fend for themselves, Mello said he despised all the weaklings who stomped their way before him, he beat them to a pulp all the time. Remember?"

"Yeah, but Near I-"

"I was the weakling whom you saw fit to punish every chance you got, please tell me, is this another way for you to punish me, Mello? Will this be another way for you to punish me? Wasn't what you done to me the other week good enough punishment, Mello?"

"Punishment? I never-"

"Yes, punishment. By raping me you punished me, did you not? By humiliating me you punished me, did you not? And by toying with my emotions, whilst concealing a seeping hatred for me was punishment, wasn't it, Mello?"

"No! My intentions weren't punishment! I wanted you to feel good! I wanted you to say that you loved me so when I said that I loved you, you'd know that I love you for real, too! Those were my only intentions, I swear! If I hurt you Near…then I'm sorry."

"This is wrong." Near muttered. "You aren't the one to apologize." He said matter-of-factly.

I nodded after a long while of silence. Questions built up in my mind and I felt compelled to get the answers. Near seemed healthy enough, save for the blood, which had been dripping out of his mouth. "Near…why do you need the surgery?" I asked softly as I released Near and watched as he sat himself on his bed.

"Rodger says that I have no choice in the matter. At first I didn't accept that and he got really angry at me. He struck me and I in return struck him, but he was able to lock me in this room. He told me…things…things that are true…things that are horribly true."

Near's POV

"What things?" he demanded quickly.

He sounded curious, yet concerned. I felt embarrassed for some reason and found that I was unable to answer Mello's question. Besides even if I wasn't unable to talk then I wouldn't want to drag up that memory again. The memory was too terrible. All those hurtful words…no I would not speak of the matter.

"Near?" he prodded.

"…."

I opened my mouth to reply, but closed it not uttering a single sound. Mello appeared more and more concerned with every little bit of silence that crept between the two of us.

"Near?" he sounded really upset by my silence.

"Mello, please leave." I said curling up into a ball.

I just wished I could crawl off, dig a hole, throw myself into it and die. Was I being overly dramatic? Yes, I was defiantly being overly dramatic, but did not care.

I wished that I was alone…or at least away from this place. It had started to feel more like a prison rather than a home. I cursed the day of my birth and the day that my parents died. If nether of those things happened then I wouldn't be in this mess.

Mello's POV

I suddenly felt confused.

What had that old fart of a bastard, Rodger told Near to make him so…so…depressed? What had made the geezer decide Near needed surgery that would prevent him from being L? What had happened? I needed answers. "Near, come with me." I said opening the door. The albino gave me a fearful look. He shook his head and I felt bad.

He appeared truly uncertain. Once he stood I grabbed his wrist and pulled him close to me. Without giving him much time to move towards me I lifted him and wrapped his small figure under my left arm, before running out into the halls.

Near's POV

Mello was so concerned. He refused to release me and I allowed him to carry me without a fight. Soon, I realized that we were headed towards Watari's room. My eyes widened at the memory of what occurred there the last time I went to see him. I thrashed and squirmed slapping Mello in the face once.

"Near!" Mello shouted as he continued on course.

"No!" I shouted fearfully. "I'm not going there! Please! Mercy! Not that room! Anything, but that room! Please, Mello don't take me there! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! Have mercy!"

"Near…Near we're going to Watari's room. Not yours, but Watari/Rodger's."

"I know!" I sobbed.

He then stopped and sat me down. Giving me a confused stare he appeared more or less…well…sympathetic? No, it was caught between sympathy, confusion, frustration and annoyance. I avoided eye contact unable to see the life in his blue orbs, while my eyes were dead…the complete opposite of Mello's.

Mello's POV

"You know?" I asked shocked by his behavior. "If ya know then why are you freaking out? Why are you-?"

Then it hit me like a car smashing into a brick wall.

"This is all Rodger's idea?" I gasped.

"Yes, he…he's the…the one behind this. I refused to accept the surgery so he beat me and h-he told me so…so many things…so many things…"

"Damn that bastard." Mello muttered underneath his breath. "We've got to get you out of here, Near...it's not safe."

"What, b-but M-Mello you can't escape with me. I tried running off before but there are cameras hidden up and down these halls, while they don't have audio they show perfectly clear images and details. We'll never escape…you have a chance going alone, but the minute Rodger sees that you've got me with you…he'll have the others sent after you."

"Near are the SPK members aware of this cruel plan?"

"Yes. They agree with Rodger that it's the best."

"Damn them!" Mello shouted kicking a wall. Turning back to Near who was twirling a strand of his hair Mello sighed. "Fine. Fine, is it that way? Yes. I don't care, though Near, but I think we should really get the hell out of here, before we lose whatever chance we have at the moment. I refuse to let them hurt you."

I grabbed the albino by his wrist and pulled him along as we raced down the hall. We passed several doors before ducking into a room for temporary cover.

"Mello…" Near whispered.

"Yeah?" I whispered back.

"Is Matty…still…alive?"

Near sounded so worried, concerned. It sickened me. That wasn't Near…or at least not the Near I loved. I wanted him back to normal. Back to the old Near. I missed that albino genius. And I wanted him back more than I ever had.

"Near…what do you think? Whatever you think is wrong…"

Near's POV

"Please…is he…or is he dead?" I asked afraid of the answer.

"No." Mello said honestly. "He suspected a flaw in my plan and got a look-alike to take his place, while he helped me in the capture of Kyomi Takada." Mello explained with a faraway look glistening in his eyes as if he were reliving the events. "He was in the truck waiting for me, I told him to keep an eye on her, because I suspected she was involved with Kira. So naturally she'd have a piece of the Death Note hidden on her for some type of emergency. And if being held hostage at gunpoint wasn't an emergency then I guess nothing else could be considered one. I was right, anyways, but she made a deal with a shinigami for the eyes and apparently attempted to kill Matt and me. Matt shot her and I wrecked the truck by mistake. A fire started immediately, but we both got out okay."

I gave a relieved sigh. "Good. I was afraid that he'd died and it was all my fault."

"So…you do care." Mello chuckled.

The blonde smiled at me, but turned away as I smiled back. I attempted starting another conversation, but Mello refused to talk with me, much less look at me. I felt as if I were being rejected for living. He acted as if I weren't there either that, or he refused to accept the fact that I was sitting next to him.

Flashback

"Near, I hate you! I hate you! Hat you! Hate you!" Mello snarled.

"_Mello…I'm sorry…" I muttered apathetically. "I still love you, though." _

_Mello turned and punched me in the face. I yelped in pain as Mello kicked me in my ribcage. It all hurt…the pain almost overwhelming. Mello grabbed a handful of my white locks and yanked with all his strength. Pulling the hair from the roots I shrieked out in agony. After that Mello ripped off my shirt and started to trample on my abdomen. _

"_You're worthless trash!" Mello shouted at me._

_I felt like the trash Mello labeled me as. I wasn't perfect for Mello and he was too perfect for me…I knew it was true, even as a child. I was evil and he was good. Mello was the angle battling with me, the demon in a struggle for dominance, but apparently Mello wasn't good…or mentally strong enough to win the battle…because L chose me over the pure angle, which was Mello. L chose the demon as his first choice._

_That was the reason Mello was beating me, insulting me._

_Hurting my heart. _

Present

I felt my chest tighten as the memory sunk in; tears brimmed my eyes.

Flashback

_I couldn't cry then, even as he drug me down the hall and forced me to eat at least three pounds worth of his disgusting chocolate. I puked several times, sickened from that disgusting sweet food. Mello forced me to lick my puke up only making me sicker, but he didn't care. He taunted me and struck me, but eventually let me go._

_After he let me leave, bruised and battered, and sick to my stomach I stalked off to my room and collapsed on the floor. I'd weep and (even though not very religious) I'd pray and I'd remind myself of why Mello hated me._

_There were a lot of reasons. _

_All of my ups and downs, all of my mistakes, all of my faults, all of my good points and all of my qualities, they were meaningless, Mello didn't love me and he never would. I was too vile, too cruel and too cold. _

_I'd never know the warm embrace of Mello's arms. I would never feel his heartbeat against mine as he pulled me close to him. I would not get the privilege to hear Mello's voice speak softly to me or see his blue eyes sparkle as he looked at me happily. I'd never get to experience, see or hear any of those things, because I could not make Mello happy. _

_I knew it deep in my heart that Mello of all people could never love me._

_As I drowned in my misery my door squeaked open. I hadn't closed it good enough. I crawled to my best ability to the door and with a forceful shove closed it. It squeaked open more. I felt worthless. That was when I noticed Mello standing in the doorway. It already was humiliating to sink so low, as to crawl and to let Mello see me in such a weakened state was even more humiliating._

"_What's wrong Near?" the blonde asked softly kneeling down to my side._

"_I-I cannot walk." I sputtered holding in my sobs. "I am too weak. I'm sorry."_

_I meant that I was sorry for being weak, but he seemed to think I meant something entirely different. He gave a sigh of frustration and to my surprise he helped me stand. He took me to my bed and laid me down. Then he kissed my cheek. I gasped and he blushed. Then he backhanded me and growling a curse he stomped off. What had just happened? I felt so confused; needless to say that was not a very pleasant feeling for me._

_Mello kissed me a sign of affection, then he hit me a sign of hate, which was it?_

_A few days passed and Mello avoided me at all costs, if we made contact he'd beat me and I would let him. So, I deducted that Mello hated me. He hated me and wished me dead. _

Present

It hurt to remember…it hurt too much. I couldn't contain my betraying tears as they sled down my face. I felt so worthless, so sad, and so emotional. The tears came silently, but Mello noticed all the same. He noticed and seemed amused, yet curious by them. He didn't try to wipe them away nor did he give me a pleased smirk as I thought he would.

"Near, what's wrong?" he asked softly.

"I-I can't take it, anymore." I whimpered. "I-I just want to die. P-please…you must kill me. Y-you must."

"Near. I'm. Not. Going. To. Kill. You."

"B-but you're the one who made me realize that I deserve to die, Mello." I said holding back a sob.

Mello appeared shocked by what I confessed, but I tried not to notice. It hurt me to know that Mello was unaware of something he done for me. It hurt because I knew that it meant that he didn't want to accept the fact I learned from his beatings and words. All of his treatment had made me realize what anyone could label as the truth.

**Mello's POV**

"What?" I exclaimed as the words sunk in.

"You…made me realize that I deserve to die, Mello." He repeated. "Isn't that why you hurt me all the time? Because you thought I needed to drop dead?"

I felt bad, really bad. All of this was my fault (partially, that old fart Rodger and the fucking SPK members can take the rest of the blame) my beatings and insults had broken Near. I made him think he deserved death and that he was a terrible person.

I couldn't help but feel the irony in the current situation. I had harmed Near and now I didn't want him to be. And all of those beatings…were just because I didn't want to admit…that I _loved_ Near. I had _pretended_ to hate Near and while a piece of me did I had another piece screaming at me to kiss and love and protect the albino. Now, I knew that whatever it was Rodger had told Near had to do either with me or had something to do with Near's personality.

It didn't matter.

It didn't matter at all.

One way or another I wasn't leaving the albino. He _needed_ me and _I_ needed him…for some reason. I had no idea why I needed him, but it was a really, really, really strong feeling that I had received at the moment and I believed it with all my heart and soul.

Grabbing Near's wrist I pulled him along with me as we ran through the halls once more. We encountered the SPK members who were chasing us, but managed to elude them and escape through the back door. I felt great… almost happy as I realized that I had freed Near and now I could help heal the albino's aching heart and confused mind.


End file.
